Relationship Rationale

While talking with one of my friends I realized that we form our rationale not from reality but from perception. This is particularly interesting when considering relationships. I have recently been realizing how relationships defy reason. We live with this "understanding", for lack of a better word, that we have the power to hurt people. I personally tend to believe this power to hurt people should keep others away. However, my friend pointed out that despite our potential to hurt others, people are still drawn to each other.

"Rational" thinking seems to imply that if two people have the potential to hurt each other they should avoid each other. The reality, however, is that we all desire intimacy and a sense of community. We desire to know others and to be known. So why is this? Why is this desire seen as irrational? Why do we live with the idea that relationships should be void of hurt and pain?

Imagine with me for a moment: You are cooking pasta. The water has been boiling and now it is time to drain the pasta. You take the pasta to the sink, but the colander is too small to leave in the sink. You pick it up thinking that this is the best way to drain the pasta. You have a friend help you, after all what are friends for - if not to help you make pasta. However, the two of you miscalculate the projectile path of the boiling water. The water lands on your skin. You have two options; instinctively move your arm away, or allow your arm to remain in the fixed position - with the boiling water pouring over your arm.

In this scenario, your body makes a decision before you have even consciously realized what is going on. The instant you feel pain, your arm recoils away from the source of pain. Call it intuition, self-preservation, or an assortment of other names - you have a desire to protect yourself physically, built into your being. Why then do people pursue relationships and friendships even with a realization that pain is inevitable?

To begin to answer these questions we must, as one of my favorite musicals from my childhood states, "start at the very beginning, a very good place to start." Flashback to when God has made Adam. He sends Adam to name all the animals and to find for himself a friend. But none of the animals were suitable. God, who is triune, had made Adam in his image. God lives in community with himself. Once Adam has realized that none of the animals can fulfill his longings for community and for intimacy, God states "it is not good for man to be alone" (Genesis 2).

Why does God wait until Adam has interacted with all animals before he says that man should not be alone? We may never know. However, I have a theory. God wanted Adam to come to realize his need. Adam needed someone from the beginning of time. At this point in time Adam was sinless, yet he needed someone. This means that the reason why we need others is not because we are flawed, or because we are sinful, BUT because we are human. By our very nature we need others. So that answers the why do we desire community with others. We desire it because we were made to desire it -- to deny that desire is to deny part of who God made each of us to be. Also, if God needs fellowship with himself, why should we not need fellowship with others?

Why do we think that relationships should be void of hurt? This question has its answer rooted in the previous answer. In the Garden of Eden, God established the first relationship. This relationship was perfect in every way. There was a perfect oneness not only between man and women, but also with God. We all yearn for that situation. We yearn to be completely known and completely loved. In our ideal world that intimacy comes without hurt. In the beginning of time Adam and Eve were naked together and felt no shame. They laid themselves completely bare, with no fear. No fear of each other, and no fear of the world. They had no concept of hurt. The first relationship existed, for a time, void of hurt and pain. 

The fact that we still have this inert belief that relationships should be void of hurt points to the fact that the world is not as it was designed to be. The lyrics of Hillsong's song, You Hold Me Now, speak to this reality. The lyrics are talking about heaven, and when things are finally as they should be, once again. "No weeping, no hurt or pain, no suffering. You hold me now, you hold me now. No darkness, no sick or lame, no hiding. You hold me now, you hold me now."

So why is the desire irrational? We have covered this in parts already. Our natural instinct should prevent us from doing anything that can hurt us; whether it is avoiding boiling water, or avoiding the often more painful emotional hurt that comes from a broken relationship with a fellow sinner. 

But maybe that is the point, maybe relationships a supposed to defy reason. If earthly relationships are irrational, there is no way that a relationship with God can appear rational. God is the only perfect being. Not only that but he exists perfectly, in perfect fellowship, by himself. He does not need US, but HE desires US. We on the other hand, often do not desire God, but WE need HIM. Without him we cannot exist. Literally, every breath we breathe is because of God. But beyond the physical, we need God not just as a creator being but as a: father, friend, lover, ally. In every form of relationship we need God. Our need for other people is a picture of our need for relationship with God. 

In conclusion, I would say relationships make no sense, but they are still vital for existence. If you have not realized the absurdity of God loving us, dwell on the following verses. John 15:13 which says, "Greater love has no man than this, that he lay down his life for his friends." Or Romans 5:7- 8 which says, "Very rarely will someone die for a righteous man, though for a good man someone might dare to die. But God demonstrated his own love for us in this; while we were still sinners Christ died for us."